Dear Jesus,
Today is Easter. I should be focusing on how you conquered death and rose from the grave… But I’m not. At least not in the way I should. We spent Good Friday reflecting on where or if we should go to another church today, after being asked to leave another one. What are you doing? What are we doing? Why are you doing it? Are the things I say that unbearable?
We’re sitting in the living room again on your day! Just the family. Oh, Lord… not again. This is not my goal. This isolation is not where I want us to be. I realize we are all at different places. It is your timing, how you choose to work in your people, and I’m pretty sure I understand that…
I care about the Church because you do, and I want to care about what you care about. I believe you desire the purity of your Church. You call her your Bride! I see how you talk about her. You talk about fidelity, commitment, beauty, covenant… You talk about how your word is going to cleanse her and do miraculous works in her! It’s like we’ve only gotten a glimpse of the extent of that work.
I am going to write you more
Yes, I’m writing you a letter. There are more to come. Yes, I’m publishing them. I thought through your admonition about us talking to you in secret. I’ve tested my motives and I believe you’re okay with this, so I’m going to do it.
When I talk to your other children, they tend to get upset… well, more often it’s those in leadership positions in your Church… but it’s not only them. I feel like my motives aren’t understood. Are they? People think I’m being judgmental or harsh when I voice my convictions about how you want us to be. Why is my love for you and your word perceived so negatively? I don’t feel this way when I bring things up. And I don’t want negativity to be associated with your word. But here we are again… So I’m going to do this as a type of self-prescribed therapy, with the perk of getting to talk with you more. I speak to you with reverence—usually… yes I remember those times—so I feel like talking to you about my experiences and motives might help this make more sense to me, and maybe others too. It’ll also help me better weigh my thoughts and motives and the words I choose to communicate them.
What got us here
I know you know my heart and every intricate detail about my life. But I also know you want us to talk about things that matter to us because you care about us. You care about me.
I’ve gotten us booted from two churches now, Lord! This first all started when I was bumped from a deacon board from a small Baptist church many years ago. They are painful memories. Some are more distant than others, but the sadness remains. I feel conflicted because it was in pursuit of you and your word. Isn’t that supposed to cause the unity of your people? Isn’t removal from a church only supposed to be due to unrepentant sin? I thought the work you’re doing is all about restoration. What are we doing? So much still seems so broken…
Do I focus too much on disciplines and frustrate others? Though, I can’t take all the credit there… as you do have a tendency to put me among people that do the very things that you have specifically given me a burden for that we shouldn’t! That reminds me of marriage. You also give us a spouse that works out our own sanctification. I guess it should be no surprise that you work this out similarly. But I would never leave my wife. I have no desire to leave your people either. I know you won’t!
I brought up similar questions I have before… it’s those questions you’ve burdened me with that I can’t stop from asking. You know… how can a church that’s been around for decades not have any biblically qualified pastors/elders after just one leaves? Should we care about the teaching that comes out of the pulpit? Why would we divide over our own views of how you’re going to come back to us one day? Far be it from us to do such a thing! Should we be praying for those in our communities to come to faith and not ourselves go to get them?
These are just some of the burdens you’ve put on my heart. If they’re not from you, take them from me! They keep getting me into trouble… But it’s also been said, it’s not what I say but how I say it. Is that true? I don’t want to sound unloving. You’ve made it clear that I’ll waste my time if I don’t do everything in love.
It resulted in the same thing, Jesus. We were asked to leave another church. We were told we were not welcome and coming anyway would be seen as divisive. Oh, Lord. My heart breaks. In this brokenness either one or both of us are wrong. And you want our unity. Shouldn’t we pursue unity?
I need to be around those that love you
My aim has been and continues to be to surround my family and I with people that love you. I am desperate for that type of community. I think many others are too…
I remember you asking a bunch of people that were following you why they call you Lord but don’t do what you say. I want to test myself with that important question first. It makes sense to me. I’m also going to ask that same question to help me find others to surround myself with. You always seem to be able to quickly get to the heart of the matter and this doesn’t seem to be any different.
I can resonate with Paul when he described himself as the chief of sinners… of course I won’t try to piously take that title, since he was literally violently hunting down your children before you rescued him! But you did a similar work in me, rescuing me from a self-centered life. I see my brokenness today. I see when you show me my sin. It sure seems to me that when you rescue someone, it brings about change. I want to be around more of those people. My family needs to be around those people.
I’ll be writing regularly
I’m not sure how often I’ll write. I know you do though! If I could, I would do it daily. I love talking to you! There are a lot of time constraints, but I also have a lot to talk with you about. I’m going to try to get into a once-monthly routine, but it’ll probably be more frequently to start.
Many thoughts swarm around in my head. Thoughts about sitting in church without my kids, seeing us pass around offering plates, talking with others about divorce, wrestling with the struggles of marriage myself… And you’re always there. I forget so many things about my life, but those important times, you’re always there. I don’t want to forget. And I want you to get all the glory in it.
There are things I’m going to write you that I don’t think others will understand well without being familiar with how I otherwise think and write. I’m going to keep those a little more private. I don’t mind who reads my letters, I just hope to be a little more understood in some of the things I need to say.
If writing to you like this won’t honor you, please let me know. I want my life to be lived for you and I can already see complexities that will undoubtedly arise in this endeavor! Guard my heart. Guard my words. Keep me for yourself. There’s no other place I’d want to be.